Monday, September 10, 2007


on the way back to the garden

Ramadhan is coming.

Maybe that's why the tears have been free-flowing tonight.

I've been mildly homesick for a while, but lately, it's for that Home of a different kind.

And it's been a while since I've cried; Sheera can testify to that (although our laughfest was not bad at all, eh?).

So tonight was surprising.

And I'm sure it's not due to the reading material either (Lehninger's Biochemistry on the Principles of Bioenergetics -- compelling stuff, and not really examinable, pity).

And these people made me cry:


BrotherhoodBand

Idris Phillips

Dawud Wharnsby

while this bloke (who's related to another really famous musician) makes me homesick:

Yoriyos

(Anyone guessed his musical lineage? Surprising, innit?)

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this has been a rant by Syazwina Saw at 10:27 pm

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Thursday, November 02, 2006


Sekadar luahan perasaan.

Assalamualaikum wrh. wbt.

So many people are eager to pick fights. I happen to be one of them. I am touchy and uber-sensitive and I care too much what people think of me. All of which I'm trying to fix right now. I'm not particularly good at debates. I tend to never make the point, and all people end up doing is laugh. At me.

Maybe it's one of those hidden blessings God has blessed me with. The inability to hurt anyone's feelings but my own. Because come to think of it, heartache/dissappointment will build my soul. But I can't say what it will do other people. I'm better off not sinning that way.

'And I found my head one day
when I wasn't even trying
and here I have to say
cause there is no use in lying, lying'


*****

The people I know from a distance hurt my head. They don't mean to. But they do.

They're so emotionally-fueled. They dream so hard, and when they fall short off the mark, they lick their wounds publicly. And they're so keen to philosophize life, but they end up confusing themselves. I try to keep track, but they confuse me instead.

They seem to be searching for strength, for love, for answers for everything. But as humans are oft to do, they tend to look in a myriad of places, neither of which contain the real answer.

'Well I hit the rowdy road
and many kinds I met there
and many stories told me on the way to get there'

*****

I was searching for answers, and it got me here. And my mind has often argued with my nafs over what right and wrong is.

And everytime I open a page, the answers are there, as if just for me.

Telling me to be patient.
Telling me to be kind.
Telling me to not waste time.
Telling me that the struggle is sweeter than it seems to those who know not.
Telling me to walk away from confusion.
Telling me that there will be no worries, as long as I know where my soul shall lay rest.

Each word is a reminder. Each word is a comfort. Each word echoes true and hard in me, and I find kindred spirits who feel the same.

'Yes the answer lies within
so why not take a look now
Kick out the devil's sin
pickup, pickup the good book now '

*****

The months have sped by so fast. And I cannot marvel more by how much I have changed. I have changed so much and so fast.

I used to be scared of change. Now change is my friend.

'Paradise has a price'.

I had left the comforts and confusion of my homecountry in search of answers. I had left not really knowing what I would find, but I had high hopes. And I found something which puzzled me at first. But which I could not argue with.

Now I'm going back. And I wonder if my time back in LITW will undo everything I have strived for here. I wonder whether familiarity will be the ruin of me.

I kneel and pray for strength. For thabat on this road.

' Well I left my happy home
to see what I could find out
I left my folk and friends
with the aim to clear my mind out '

*****

'So on and on I go, the seconds tick the time out
So much left to know, and I'm on the road to find out '


Wassalamualaik.

P.S:- Jazakillah to my ukhti 'Aidah for Yusuf Islam's 'On the Road to Find Out', which was what I was listening to as I ranted this time around.


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this has been a rant by Syazwina Saw at 12:07 pm

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Sunday, October 29, 2006


Metamorphosis.

How much I have changed in these past few months
And now I await the days with a mixture of measured countenance and incalculable trepidation
Until I meet them face-to-face, mano-a-mano
Once again.
Because I fear of being unrecognizable
My thoughts and principles altered immeasurably
So much so that I doubt fingers could be pointed any which way
I am scared
I admit that.
I am afraid of changing
To who I once was, almost overnight
Because that would deny me everything I have learnt
Everything I now know and hold true
Everything that makes up
The me I live with today
I feel comfortable knowing her
Because I know she’s headed somewhere
Maybe she’s doing so slowly, but she knows where she’s going
She’s getting there
Her heart is eyeing the Destination, she feels –
I feel, I mean.
And so
When you see me
And you don’t know me
(Anymore)
Remember who I was
Cherish it in memory, if you must
But know that who I am now is who I want to be
That it was never forced onto me
But instead I forced, ploughed, pushed my way through
To be who I am
This person you now see
The person you do not know
(Yet).
The person who will not willingly follow the crowd
The person who will ask questions in manifold
The person who will look different, dress different, talk different
And might even stop in her walking tracks to smile a bemused grin to herself
Every now and then
Which may irritate you
You must be forewarned.
And so I admit it –
I am scared to go home a changed person
Like a butterfly out of its little mystifying, plain (maybe even ugly)
Coccoon
Yet looking back, I do not see my life as a caterpillar
But I remember my metamorphosis with fondness
And if I will live with these wings for the rest of my life
Then live
I will.

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this has been a rant by Syazwina Saw at 12:53 pm

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Saturday, October 28, 2006


Stagnant Playlist.

Assalamualaikum wrh. wbt.

This is what happens when you listen to Eid songs (courtesy of Dpt. Produksi of the Aidilfitri Salam Melbourne vid) from LITW, instead of studying up on Genetics. Which reminds me, DO AIRPORT!

Sigh.

I like this song very much. It's a close favourite after young Anuar Zain & Elina's Suasana di Hari Raya.

Satu Pagi di Hari Raya
by Raihan & NowSeeHeart

Satu pagi di hari raya
Aku sujud memuji Mu
Satu pagi di hari raya
Aku sujud membesarkan Mu

Ku melafazkan takbir
Penuh rasa kehambaan
Ku melafazkan tahmid
Penuh rasa kesyukuran

Gema takbir di pagi raya
Ku teringat kampung halaman
Aku di perantauan
Tak berdaya menahan sebak

Gema takbir di pagi raya
Ku rindukan ibu di sana
Keluarga sanak saudara
Hanya doa kukirim

Marilah di hari raya
Kita semua bermaafan
Lupakan persengketaan
Eratkan persaudaraan
Harmoni di hari raya


One. More. Month. (InsyaAllah)

Until then, it's my turn to mujahadah.

And if listen to M.Nasir's Satu Hari di Hari Raya again, I think I will choke.

Wassalam.

P.S:- Salam mujahadah imtihan for my ukhti wa akhi fil Melbourne, Sydney, Adelaide, Queensland, NZ and wherever else you may be. Also not forgetting those poor AUSMAT people, especially my juniors in INTEC. Have faith, loves.

And also the SPM kiddies. This means you, Amir. Go BELAJAR!!

Now. Time to swallow my own advise. If you'll excuse me.

P.P.S:-
Kan kusujud di kakimu bila kita bertemu
Kan kucium tanganmu memohon restu...

Sobs.

P.P.S:-
Restu ayah bonda kuharap selalu
Hingga aku pulang kepadamu...

Sigh. 'Be patient.'

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this has been a rant by Syazwina Saw at 12:43 am

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