Monday, May 29, 2006

Maybe I should shut up.

Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

I know, I know, worldwide, there is probably a chorus going, either: "Yeah, maybe you should!", or: "You think?"

Well, now.

I can really relate to that old John Mayer song, "My Stupid Mouth" (title is self-explanatory).

"How could I forget?
Mama said, 'Think before speaking'
No filter in my head
Oh what's a boy to do?
I guess he better find one soon..."

So yes. Me. And my stupid mouth.

Not that my mouth is stupid by design. It's just that the person temporarily owning the mouth has some trouble relating what's going on in her head with what needs to be heard.

Islam's solution is simple:

""Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day should speak what is good or remain silent.18 Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day should honour his neighbour. Whoever believe Allah and the Last Day should honour the guest."

(related by Abu Hurairah)



Putting words into practice is hard stuff. Allah knows. Which is why He created -- to use my creative term -- hard stuff: to test those of faith.

Ujian itu adalah kaffarah.

Ingat selalu.

Yes. This past week and a half has been fine example of how speaking without thinking/heartlessly/needlessly = awful.


And as for regarding other vices of mine:

"Part of the excellence of a man's Islam is his leaving alone what does not concern him."10

(related by At-Tirmizi and Ibn Majah)

"Stay with what I have left you [without asking for more]. Those before you were destroyed by their excessive questioning15 and their disagreeing with their Prophets."

(related by Abu Hurairah)

Double ouch.

Other sound hadith available here.

Forgive the dearth of words. Finals coming up. Can't think much. Hopefully can think straight. And refrain from chewing on cashews and Thai coffee-nuts. Hoho.


this has been a rant by Syazwina Saw at 9:47 pm


Wednesday, May 24, 2006

From medicine to socialism. Not that I approve of the latter, of course.

Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

In the old days (and not many can say that and mean it in all of its metaphoric sense), when I was looking for an example to lean on -- some new propaganda to spout and new ideals to imitate -- I chanced upon a morning screening of the tv miniseries, Fidel, on the Hallmark.

It told the story of Fidel Castro and his group of Merrymen, and how they fought to give their people the independence they dreamed of, and the economic stability they needed.

And one of the Merrymen featured would have to be Ernesto 'Che' Guevara, the guy whose head, with the scruffy locks and mane, is now emblazoned on the bags on so many youngsters, who probably don't even know what sort of, ehm, association he belonged to.

Well, people, newsflash: He was a communist. Yes, the same sort of people who beheaded our nenek moyang. Or part of that gang, anyway.

In Fidel, he was portrayed by the very handsome, very versatile Gael Garcia Bernal. Coincidentally (or maybe not), he played Che in another movie as well, called The Motorcycle Diaries, based on a book written by the Che himself. The story consists of a narrative of the journey the young Ernesto, fresh out of med school, and his doctor friend, Alberto Granada took by motorcycle, from Argentine to Chile to Miami and back. It is said that it was this journey that led him upon the path to socialism, and his quest to the death in defending his people's liberty and rights.

Apparently, many Malaysians don't know much about Che, or there would be more of Notas de Viaje available in bookstores.

But when I got into Melbourne Uni, and I visited the ever-contemporary Rowden White Library in Union House (same level as the George Patton gallery, the Queer Lounge, and the place where people gather to play Magic -- I know how weird the environment is, okay?), I found that not only did they have a copy of the DVD, they also had a copy of the book.

However, both were in huge demand. As of now, I am currently the 13th in line for the movie.

But alhamdulillah, I got the book just as it was being checked in.

Still, 3 weeks have come and gone, and still, I have not even made the halfway mark yet. Just like his daughter, Aleida March mentions in the preface, I too have fallen for the young Ernesto's ideals and fancies -- his humour emblazons across the thin novel, and his lyrical yet self-deprecating style makes you feel as if you are watching him, from a close distance; he is your friend, and one that you would want by your side, to share your adventures and feel your pain. Tak ramai orang macam tu dah, tak payah nak kata lelaki atau tak.

Plus, the cover looks good, since they put Gael's face in front. :)

In all truth and honesty, I picked up the book because I was curious on seeing how his view on life changed in the process. Like him, I too am at my crossroads in life -- knowing that your life is meant to go in one direction, and then waking up to realize that there is that other road left to take. It just requires a bit of bravery, and a bit of gall-less bravado to accept the challenge. Both of which I hope Allah provides me with soon enough.

And like most of my friends and I, the Ernesto I read of was young and reckless and fazed by the world. He knew that there were things to be fixed, but it took him a trip around his tanah air for him to decide: Even if I do not know how to help my people, surely I will find the way.

I suppose, part of me wishes that I would be as brave as he was someday. I do not approve of what he did in the process, nor am I a great fan of socialism (I hold true to the shahadatain, insyaAllah). But I do know that much needs to be changed, maybe more now than before. Unlike Ernesto, though, I do not have to invent or adopt some complex social system of fairness and justice for all -- because Allah has already given it to me. All has been written, recited and applied before, in the Quran. So that part is clear with.

But strength. How does one call for strength within?

Since the book is due esok, and I have yet to find a copy of Notas de Viaje, let me leave you with my little memory of it:

"At night, after the exhausting games of canasta, we would look out over the immense sea, full of white-flecked and green reflections, the two of us leaning side by side on the railing, each of us far away, flying in his own aircraft to the stratospheric regions of his own dreams. There we understood that our vocation, our true vocation, was to move for eternity along the roads and seas of the world. Always curious, looking into everything that came before our eyes, sniffing out each corner but only ever faintly - not setting down roots in any land or staying long enough to see the substratum of things; the outer limits would suffice."

-- a passage from the entry, Polizones (Stowaways) by Ernesto Guevara.

Which reminded me of this here verse:

"Have they not travelled (sufficiently) in the land to have understanding hearts and listening ears? It is their hearts which are blind, not their eyes. "

--Surah al-Hajj (22:46)


this has been a rant by Syazwina Saw at 2:39 pm


Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Rindu berpanjangan.

Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

*Note: Due to the topic, self-expression for this post will continue in Malay. Harap maklum*

Rindu. Rindu sangat.

Itulah kata-kata yang sering terungkap, dan sering disebut di lidah.
Hati turut berkalam begitu.

Maghrib sudah mendekati. Nak masuk, tak nak masuk. Nanti orang tu marah. Dia tengah syok berblogging.

Masuklah, maghrib. Aku memang menanti pun.

Jikalau dahulu, tatkala rindu ini masih baru, hati ini sering teringat. Biasalah. Keadaan baru. Hati sentiasa sayu. Bak kata mat salleh, "it makes me glad, just to be sad, thinking of you."

Mungkin suasana dah berubah. Mungkin hidup terlalu routine. Tetapi tanpa routine, nanti rindu ini terabai. Tanggungjawab yang banyak ini, mungkin tersisih. Nanti hati ini tidak merindu lagi. Nanti lidah pun tak terupaya untuk membohong dan mengatakan rindu yang sudah hilang.

Takut. Takut sangat.

Takut yang rindu itu nanti akan hilang. Tanpa arah tujuan. Tanpa boleh dikesan, dicari kembali.

Jalan manakah yang sedang aku turuti?
Jalan luruskah?
Jalan bengkok kah?
Ataupun aku ikut shortcut?

Mungkin kerana terlalu banyak peringatan menghujani, maka hati yang punya sisa karat yang degil masih mampu takabbur dan berbanding-banding.

"Jalan aku lebih lurus lah."
"Eh. Dia tu, tahu jalan ke tak?"

Dan sedikit demi sedikit, rindu ini menjadi tidak lain, hanya memori dari suatu masa agung terdahulu.

bila mendengar berita tentang mereka yang tersesat jalan (lagi)
mereka yang mungkin tidak akan jumpa jalan itu
mereka yang tidak sempat aku tolong
untuk mencari jalan
di sebalik semak samun dunia simen dan mortar ini

Aku menangis.
Aku merintih.
Aku sedih.

Rupanya rindu ini masih ada lagi.
Syu'ur masih wujud.
Tetapi aku yang tidak menghidupkan
Dan aku yang tidak menghiraukan
Dan aku memandang kulit buku
Tanpa menilai isinya dahulu

Maka Kau yang Maha Mengetahui
Mengetuk pintu
Menggerakkan tali hati
Yang makin keras, kurang lentur
Sukar diulit kembali.

Peringatan inilah yang menghujani
Membasahi hati
Membuatkan kesedihan itu datang
Tenggelam timbul
Datang lagi.

Kau terlalu rindukan diri hina ini
Kau rindukan tangisan tulus
Kau rindukan zikir munajat berpanjangan
Maka Kau timbulkan kesedihan
Agar diri ini, yang tidak mampu membalas pemberianMu, ya Rabb
Menerima lagi.

Biarlah doaku basah
Biarlah mata ini tidak lekang
Biarlah mereka menuduh
Memandang dan mencaci
Asalkan diri ini
Tidak menjauhkan diri lagi.


this has been a rant by Syazwina Saw at 5:10 pm


Saturday, May 20, 2006

Story of the week.

Assalamu'alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

Story of the week?

Now, what could it possibly be?

I could write about the many lessons I've learnt, just in these past six days.

But they would be too incoherent, too self-absorbed, too intricately bound within its own complex for anyone to understand it but me. Yeah.


I could write about my new ringtones. Tapi whatever for? (Although it can be said, the Motorola music editor is VERY handy. Now I can have nice ringtones...)

I could write about my new ambitious deal with myself to not be tardy, and to be focused as I study.

But pointless jugak.

I could write about how much it pains one to be lutterly, unforgivably lost in 'Advanced Chemistry', aka 'Kelas Cari Nahas'.

But it's too painful and too near to reminisce about.


I'll let someone represent me.

Presenting, from the blog 'Islam is a Test of Life' by one of the QCs:

Tuesday, August 9

Hatiku Milikmu??

Tepuk dada, tanya iman…milik siapakah hati ini? Mungkin, dengan lantasnya hati akan bersuara, “Hatiku milik Allah ‘azza wa jalla…” Alhamdulillah, jawapan yang cukup bagus, mengalahkan jawapan skema SPM. Namun, jika direnungi sejenak, sejauh manakah kebenaran suara hati itu? Kadangkala, kita perlu bersoal-jawab dengan hati ini, Benarkah ku milikkan hati ini kepada Ilahi? Tatkala Sayonara Jahiliyyah acapkali meniti di bibir, namun di hati, mungkin belum jauh jahiliyyah itu ditolak ke tepi, masih separa erat di dalam genggaman…tatkala dikatakan menuntut ilmu adalah untuk mencari keredhaan Ilahi, namun di hati, masih ada yang mengharap untuk kesenangan duniawi…dan tatkala nasyid Damba Kasih dendangan In-team berirama di gegendang telinga, namun di hati, ada kasih makhluk lain yang masih didamba…memang, memang berkasih sayang itu adalah fitrah kurniaanNya jua, namun kita sering lupa, bahawa kasih sayangNya mengatasi segala kasih sayang di dunia ini………tanyalah diri ini, Berpura-purakah aku ini? Adakah telah ku meretakkan ikrar ku sendiri? Sejauh manakah ku abdikan hati ini untuk Ilahi? Tanyalah…dan carilah jawapan dari lubuk hati itu…Di sini, ingin ku kongsikan sebuah coretan, buat renungan bersama…dan fikirkanlah…sejauh manakah..Hatiku MilikMu…

Cinta Kedua di Yahoo Messenger
Hasil Karya: Manfira Aula (*I still don't know who this sister is... Cak!*)

‘Nadia, dah makan belum?
Ayang buat apa hari ni?
Kenapa Nadia sounds unhappy?

Itu perbualan dahulu. Ketika aku masih jahil. Ketika perbualan berjam-jam di telefon bersama seorang teman lelaki merupakan satu kebiasaan. Bahkan rutin yang menjadi pelik jika tidak dilakukan.

’Nad dah tidur belum? Ke tengah bercakap lagi dengan Danial tu? Sudahlah tu, karang tinggi pulak bil telefonnya.’

Begitulah kata ibu, tatkala malam semakin larut dan dia masih lagi bergayut.

Dan dia akan terus menggerutu sendiri dan membawa telefon mudah alih ke dalam bilik. Sambil menyambung untaian kasih asmara bersama Danial di balik selimutnya. Kata-kata Danial seolah-olah lebih enak didengar dari mematuhi suruhan ibu tercinta.

Tapi itu dahulu, sewaktu dia belum mengenal erti sebenar cinta. Ketika lidah masih basah mengungkapkan kata cinta fana. Tatkala dirinya masih naif dan mendambakan kasih dari seorang teruna yang tidak halal buatnya. Sebelum dia mengetahui, di sebalik cinta manusia itu, terdapat satu cinta yang lebih agung, mulia, jernih dan hakiki.

dannybasri: assalamualaikum.nadia ke?

dannybasri : apa khabar sekarang?

Begitu tulisannya , di balik window yahoo messenger yang menjadi medium perantara dua insan berjauhan.

dannybasri: dah lama kita tak jumpe kan?

Entah mengapa tiba-tiba, jantungnya berdebar-debar melihat tulisan itu. Dia mengelip mata berkali-kali seolah-olah tidak percaya. Tapi dia pasti itulah Danial yang dikenalinya. Sekian lama dia cuba mengelak untuk bertemu dengan lelaki ini di alam nyata, kini dia muncul di depan ’mata’! Tidak langsung dia sedari yang dia baru sahaja ‘add’ ID dannybasri sebentar tadi.

Perlukah dia menjawab? Perlukah dia menyulam kembali ikatan yang telah lama terurai? Siapa pula yang memberikan IDnya kepada mamat ini?Apa salahnya kalau kau membalas. Bukan apa pun. Lagipun dah lama tak dengar khabar. Di satu sisi, hatinya berbisik.

Betul, tapi aku takut, aku akan terjebak di dalam situasi yang sama.Lagipun apa faedahnya dia menghubungi aku ketika ini? Apa tujuan dia?

dannybasri: danny paham kalo nad tak mahu cakap dgn danny. danny dapat ID nad ni pun dr taufiq. lama juga danny minta dari dia, baru skrg dia kasi.

Hmm....siap ko Taufiq. Akanku suruh Dila kenakan kau. Tak tau menjaga rahsia! Dila jaga suami hang bebaik na.... tetapi kupasti Taufiq tidak akan memberikan ID ku tanpa sebab.Taufiq dan Danial berkawan baik semenjak di bangku sekolah. Selepas SPM, mereka mengorak jalan yang berbeza. Danny mendapat tawaran untuk ke Melborne dan membuat program foundation di sana, sedangkan dia dan Taufiq ditempatkan di kolej persediaan untuk ke United Kingdom.

Sewaktu hangat cinta pertamanya bersama Danny, mereka tidak pernah berhubung melalui media elektronik. Oleh sebab itu, Nadia pasti Danny tidak akan dapat mengesannya semenjak hubungan mereka diputuskan .

dannybasri: hmmm.....danny cume nak minta maaf pada nad. Sudah lama juga danny cuba untuk mencari nad. Setelah kita ..

Dia berhenti. Nadia kaget menunggu. Semua kerjanya terhenti semenjak kemunculan window terbaru itu.

dannybasri : sejak peristiwa dulu, nad cuba mengasingkan diri dari danny. danny tak paham mengapa tetiba nad menyepi tanpa berita. danny call dan datang rumah nad. But no response from u. waktu danny fly pun nad tak datang untuk hantar.

dannybasri: waktu tu i was so confused! why did you do that to me? danny jadi tak betul untuk beberapa minggu sampai mama naik risau! danny rindukan nad bagai nak gile!

dannybasri : tapi bile danny dicampakkan di bumi kangaroo ni, danny dah mula sedar. banyak yang danny belajar dari kawan2 dan senior2 di sini. danny bukan sahaja menuntut ilmu medic tapi sahabat2 danny telah mula mengenalkan danny kepada ketinggian dan kedalaman ilmu Islam.

dannybasri: dan semenjak itu danny mula nampak segala dosa dan kesilapan danny selama ni... terutamanya kepada nad!maafkan danny nad!

dannybasri : danny malu kepada nad. malu kerana nad terlebih dahulu menyedari kesilapan kita.....

Senyap.Nadia berkira-kira untuk membalas. Tidak tahan rasanya membiarkan Danial berfikir bahawa dia menulis kepada sang tunggul. Lagipun, ingin sangat dia bertanyakan beberapa soalan. Ketegasannya selama ini tidak melayan kaum Adam berchatting melainkan atas urusan kerja dilunturkan sedikit. Gelora di jiwa mengetuk-getuk pintu hatinya untuk menulis. Baru sahaja dia mahu menekan punat D, tiba-tiba Danial membalas.

dannybasri: ada seperkara lagi yang danny nak beritahu.

dannybasri : danny ingat nak call je nad tapi rasanya lebih elok kalo danny cakap di sini saje sebab danny tau mesti nad akan rasa tak selesa bukan?

Nadia tersenyum sendiri. Dah tahu mahu bertanya! Namun di sudut hatinya Nadia kagum dengan Danial yang ’sekarang’. Butir percakapannya lebih teratur dan sopan. Dia menghormatiku sebagai seorang wanita. Tidak seperti dahulu yang melayanku layak seorang suami terhadap isterinya!

Sementara itu, fikiran Nadia menyelinap ke lembaran memorinya 4 tahun yang silam.

’Dan janganlah kamu mendekati zina; sesungguhnya zina itu adalah suatu perbuatan yang keji dan suatu jalan yang buruk.’ (Al-Isra’ : 32)

Mungkin kerana semilir bayu di pagi hari itu atau mungkin kesan tahajudnya saban malam sebelum SPM diteladeni, sedikit sebanyak telah melentur lembut hatinya yang selama ini membatu keras berselaput kerak dosa. Tatkala dibacanya ayat-ayat Allah itu hatinya sangat terusik lantas bermenung lama memikirkan. Nadia terasa Allah seolah-olah berkata-kata dan menegurnya.

’Dan di antara manusia ada orang-orang yang menyembah tandingan-tandingan selain Allah; mereka mencintainya sebagaimana mereka mencintai Allah. Adapun orang-orang yang beriman sangat cintakan Allah.’ (Al-Baqarah : 165)

Pernah orang bertanya, siapakah yang paling dicintainya. Dia menjawab Allah dan RasulNya. Namun, dia tidak pernah benar-benar mengorek isi hati dan menemui siapa yang sentiasa terpahat di relung hatinya. Begitu juga tidak diselidikinya nama siapa yang sering basah dibibirnya. Ternyata bukan Allah dan Muhammad Nabinya. Tetapi Danial!Tatkala hidayah meresap di jiwa, dan mengalir di seluruh urat nadinya, Nadia berazam untuk mengikis cintanya terhadap Danial. Dia cuba untuk menolak kesemua ajakan Danial dan tidak langsung menjawab panggilan telefonnya.

Dia tidak langsung memberikan penjelasan kepada Danial; cuma sepotong ayat yang menyatakan mereka tidak boleh lagi bersama. Noktah. Dirasakan dirinya kejam namun dia tidak sanggup hidup di dalam penjara buatannya lagi. Dia mahu bebas dari belenggu rantai maksiat dan keresahan jiwa lantas meraih cinta Allah dengan mempersembahkan apa yang Dia redhai semata. Dengan cara itu sahaja dia dapat mengecap cinta yang agung itu. Cinta seorang mukmin yang sangat cintakan TuhanNya.

dannybasri : hmmmm....tak mengapalah. danny nak maklumkan yang danny akan balik malaysia esok.

Lamunan Nadia terhenti tatkala tulisan Danial bersambung.

dannybasri : InsyaAllah, danny akan melangsungkan walimah 5 hari dari sekarang.

Seakan-akan guruh bergempita di ruangan biliknya, Nadia terkesima. Dia tersandar di atas kerusi. Dibacanya ayat terakhir Danial berulang kali seakan-akan tidak percaya. Gembira? Sedih? Terkejut? Segala-galanya beradun dan berputar dahsyat di dalam hatinya.Kenapa aku begini? Dia sendiri berasa kaget dengan dirinya. Apa salahnya Danny berkahwin?Tapi dia masih tetap berasa resah dan aneh. Bukankah telah kubuang dirinya dari hatiku? Bukankah telah kuletak cintaku hanya untuk yang Maha Satu? Takkan aku masih cintakan dia?

Mungkin kerana sudah lama dia tidak hadir dalam hidupku menyebabkan kemunculannya kali ini menyentak perasaanku? Ãtau adakah aku masih berharap yang Danial akan kembali kepadaku sebagai insan yang lebih soleh dan memulakan diari cinta kami yang kedua?

Nadia tidak dapat berfikir lurus. Ditariknya nafas panjang dan digagahkan matanya untuk menatap skrin. Danial masih menulis tapi dia tak boleh membaca dengan jelas. Ada manik basah di sekeliling matanya.

dannybasri : jemputlah datang ye nad. danny sudah hantar jemputan pada keluarga nad di malaysia. jika nad ada di malaysia, jangan lupa singgah ye.

Dia nampak bersungguh-sungguh. Di sudut hati, Nadia bersyukur kerana Danial bertemu dengan seorang yang mungkin jauh lebih baik darinya. Tapi di satu sudut yang lain, dia berasa hairan, mengapa tidak dicarinya dia semula? Dia takut lamarannya akan ditolak? Manakan dia akan menolak jika Danny sudah berada di atas jalan yang sama denganya?Mengapa??!!

dannybasri: ok nad. gtg. take care. assalamualaikum

dannybasri has signed out. (12/16/2004 12:02 AM)

raudahhuda: danial!!!

Nadia tidak sempat untuk mengejar Danial. Dia benar-benar telah pergi. Pergi seperti mana dia telah ditinggalkannya.Nadia mengeluh panjang sambil merenung kegelapan malam yang sunyi dan dingin. Hatinya dirasakan sekelam kepekatan malam itu. Mengapa Ya Allah, kau takdirkan perkara ini terjadi padaku?


Di dalam kedinginan malam yang syahdu. Kedengaran suara esakan seorang primadona yang bersenandung dengan kekasihNya:

Ya Allah, bukanlah aku mahu menyalahkan takdirMu. Dan bukan juga aku mahu menafikan hakikat yang berlaku. Rupa-rupanya aku membohongiMu Ya Allah. Tatkala aku mengaku aku mencintaimu semata, namun masih terdapat sekelumit rasa cintaku kepada yang bukan milikku.

Ya Allah, sesungguhnya telah kumungkir waktuku terdahulu dengan menjerumuskan diriku dengan cinta yang palsu. Namun hakikatnya, masih kumugkiri lagi ikrarku Ya Allah, kerana detik-detik sebelum pernikahanku, aku masih mendambakan cinta dari manusia.

Aku lupa ya Allah, bahawa pernikahan itu bukanlah segalanya. Pernikahan itu hanya membuka babak baru untuk memajukan langkah dakwah. Mungkin dengan pernikahan itu, aku akan lebih mencintai dunia dari beribadah padaMu Ya Allah. Kerana kadang-kadang godaan terbesar datang dari orang yang paling dekat denganku.

Ya Allah, aku yakin , di sana..jauh atau dekat, ada seseorang yang memang diciptakan untukku. Mungkin seperti danny, mungkin juga lebih baik darinya. Seperkara yang pasti, tidak akan kunangis kerana lelaki lagi ya Allah! Ya Rabbal Alamin..

Subuh pagi hari itu, kedengaran burung-burung gagak berkicauan dengan meriah seolah-olah mahu memberitakan kepada seluruh warga kota Exeter akan kisah primadona Nadia.

Senandung Nadia kepada dirinya , biarlah detapan jemari di keyboard malam hari tadi merupakan noktah perbualan yang terakhir antara dia dan Danial.Dihirupnya udara pagi itu dengan rasa puas, puas dengan rasa cinta pada RabbNya.

"...Boleh jadi kamu membenci sesuatu, padahal ia amat baik bagimu, dan boleh jadi (pula) kamu amat menyukai sesuatu, padahal ia amat buruk bagimu; Allah mengetahui sedang kamu tidak mengetahui." (2:216)


posted by [ Asrarun Qalbi ] at 8:53 PM 3 comments

Note-cum-disclaimer: Hm. I think it should be said, over and over again, the story above is not my doing. Nor have I experienced anything of the like. It's just that I suppose I understand what it feels like, to have to put your priorities in place in your heart. Correct the list. Let it grow.

Purification of the heart. Essential. Difficult.


Yes, I know. The Mastercard ads have gotten to me head. I should stop watching the telly and start giving my books the due attention they deserve.

Prof Tregloas, waitformeeeeeeee.....!


this has been a rant by Syazwina Saw at 4:26 pm


Sunday, May 14, 2006

Guilty as charged.

Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

Yesterday evening, Mama called. At the end of our conversation, she asked me what I sent her for Mother's Day.


Coincidentally enough, I saw something by an ustaz (in an Islamic magazine I found in the musolla) about how we're forbidden to celebrate Mother's Day.

Ada dalil? Takde dalil?


But I sure feel that there is no harm in celebrating a mother's love for us. Bak kata Ustaz Hasrizal, "cinta ibu bapa itu bagaikan percikan dari cinta ar-Rahman untuk kita" (Ust. Hasrizal, 2006).

Still, that does not mean that I have a present with me. I mean, I got something at Phillip Island, but it would be wrong to say that I got it for Mother's Day, per se...

Um, I suppose, if insyaAllah all goes as planned, and the Sydney trip menjadi... We'll see, ya Ma?

For now, this is for you:

by Mirwana

Sunyi...selubungi malam...
Mengusik minda yang terlontar jauh...
Masih hangat terasa ...
Tangan yang membelai yang mengusik manja...
Daku damba kasihmu...
Biar jadi pedoman...
Buat penyuluh jalan kugapai impian...

Angin...kau nyanyikan lagu...
Untuk permataku...tenang selalu...
Bayu...sampaikan berita...
Daku kini ceria...aman dan bahgia...
Selimutkan rinduku bersama malammu...

Hadirlah...kau dalam mimpiku...
Agar kau selalu...ada disisiku...
Rindu belaian kasihmu...
Rindu senyumanmu...
Penawar lukaku...
Dengarkan laguku...hadiah untukmu... (Interjection by Me: "Dengar, Ma!")
Jasa dan baktimu ku kenang selamanya...

Dikaulah cahaya...
Bila malam menjelma...
Kasihmu membawa ke syurga...
Dan redha yang Esa...

Note: I happen to like Mirwana and Mestica now... True, their songs may not have the typical Dawud 'umph', but the lyrics are very relevant... Meaningful. Stuff that relates need not be deep.

Although yes, deep is very nice (see: TintaAzZahra)

Of course, if you know of any good nasyeed I should listen to, do feel free to send them to me. Drop a line. Because boy, pay-as-you-go Net sure limits your playlist... Huhu... Camna nak dengar Radio IKIM like this lah...?


this has been a rant by Syazwina Saw at 5:12 pm


Saturday, May 13, 2006

Tatkala malam menyeru dan kepala bingung...

Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

I have no clue what lead me to this. But I hope my intention is right, and that I shall not account for these words in fear. InsyaAllah...

The Soil
The loneliness drags me from within and spills my core to the brim
My fallen pride furrows deeper into the ground
Deeper into the soil from whence it came from
And I
The lonely soldier in the embattled night
Tested but not yet tried
Have I won this fight?
The stars take pity with the battered soul that
Does not know from where to begin
The will that follows the floundering wind
Shall lead you to no Light
That much is sure.
A well and living heart grows roots into the heavens
It dreams of Eternity with the End
Thrives on Love
Surrounds itself with Light
And drowns within the seas
And cleanses itself with tears.
Thus this solitary figure in the startling, quiet night
Reaches a hand inside to find a bleeding, pumping
Living lump of dessicated flesh
Its roots are small and budding
Its dreams fall short of the mark
It only imagines Love
Has scant spots of luminescent shine
And still floats amidst the oceans
Dirty, mottled, frayed.
And the dissappointed soldier falls to the knees
Palms flattened in fear
Head on dusty floor
And begs.

this has been a rant by Syazwina Saw at 11:59 pm


Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Looking at the dunia for a moment.

Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

Last weekend at Werribee Islamic College was interesting (Nadwah 2). It definitely cleared up a LOT of my questions, alhamdulillah. Indeed, Allah does award those who are patient. Only I wouldn't call what I was patient; more like helpless/desperate.

But alhamdulillah, now I know what our responsibility is, and how to go about doing it. It's quite simple: We are the youth, setting out to fix ourselves before we even attempt to fix others.

Kak Ulfa was right. What I did not have to know, would not be revealed to me before its time came. Patience is a virtue.

Book says that the Syaz he knew and the Syaz he sees now do not seem to collide and coincide.

Quite frankly, it shows how my paradigm have shifted. In a way, it also shows how far I have yet to go.

Ilmu belum cukup di dada, Awin, jangan nak mengada-ngada.

Last Friday night's talk with Mama was also eye-opening. Tear-inducing (not for the reasons you would expect). It's just... amazing, how much your perspective opens up once you're away from where you're comfortable and warm. The cold shocks your senses into seeing reality as it really is.

And trust me, I've had a LOT of cold thrown in front of me.

Alhamdulillah for woolen quilts and sweatshirts (syukran Chik!)

This is my version of a quick survey, just to give you a look at what I'm up to:

Current emotion(s): Full and highly satisfied and anxious for many small eventful occasions coming up...

Current read(s): Al-Quran (tarbiyyah selalu), Diana Wynne Jones' Castle in the Air and Ernesto 'Che' Guevara's The Motorcycle Diaries [he looks so much like someone I know, it scares me somewhat], Zumdahl's Chemical Principles, KLES's Biology, Hill's Global Business Today.

Current assignment(s): Part of the paper discussing the next target country for the Wiggle's own international entry. Kudos to Jeremy, Hailey and Rhea.

Current craziness: Banana yoghurt + banana/mango nectar. Dark chocolate. Eating beyond capacity. Blogging when I am not done with Chem reading. Methodologically cooking and cleaning up in the kitchen.

Current reason for syukur: Everything. But especially the ukhuwah, the rain, the cold, and the prac-less week. Such a blessing.

Current song(s): Dawud Wharnsby's Silent Sunlight, Mirwana's Janji Kita, Khalifah and Permataku, Sami Yusuf's Make a Prayer and Love from Palestine, Zain Bhika's Our World and You're Very Special

Itu saja.

And for those who went to the nadwah, I present to you, from the people we know (ehem-ehem saja la...) : A blog


this has been a rant by Syazwina Saw at 11:09 pm


Friday, May 05, 2006

Fixing the broken pieces.

Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

I was going to put this really insipid, self-centred blog tonight. It's so narcissistic, I'm even disgusted with myself for being so self-centred. I mean, what is the point of writing hundreds of words on my week, when it was the same as all the others before? Tests and pracs come and go, but hey, Syazwina, deal with it. These things happen. That's why you ENROLLED here, remember, instead of staying at home, trying not to cook and not to do laundry?

Padan muka.

This may sound a bit more than self-deprecating to some. Maybe it's because, for the first time, I'm putting my critical eye and mind on the subject that requires the MOST critique:

ME. Yours truly, initiator of this blog you are reading, Noor Syazwina Salim Saw.

Oui, moi.

All those discussions with Kak Aina and my other sisters; that lesson about backbiting, and those countless reminders from Allah about how small and hina I am, and I just don't get it, do I?

I haven't changed a bit.

I am still that little, measly, hypercritical, self-praising little twit I was, hidayah or no hidayah.

I am truly one who is in loss.

This realization came after another long-deserving lecture from my mother on my worrying hyper-criticality, and Sheera's comment on my blog.

What sort of a muslim would pass judgement on another muslim?

And yet that is what I do every single day.

I compare people with each other. I take people's level of faith from their friends and how they act. As if I were enlightened, or something.

I am, in fact, self-righteous to the point of self-oblivion.

What sort of a muslim would sabotage herself in such a manner?

Ah, Syazwina. As Mama said, you have to stop taking people from their physical appearance. You can only doa for the best for them. You cannot pass judgement on their hearts, for even Rasulullah, he who was released from all sins, refused to do so. He said that no one had a right.

All those talks about tauhid, nawaitu, and such, from Mama and Kak Aina (who, Mama, if you're reading this, tells me the same things you told me before, so there's no difference really), and yet you never learn, do you? You go on doing the same mistakes. The ones you fix, you allow to elevate yourself to this position higher than other people, who still have not seen the error of their ways. Kan?

Astaghfirullahal'azim. Istighfar again and again, Syazwina. May you always remember tonight's lecture. May you never forget, insyaAllah.

May you always remember to ask Allah to help fix the broken pieces of your heart.

P.S:- If you don't understand, it's alright. This is just to let people who think that I am some sort of wunderkid know, I have much to learn. I have much to do. I have much to apply. So I need all the help I can get, inside, out. Please teach me. *Japanese half-bow of teacher-pupil obedience*


this has been a rant by Syazwina Saw at 11:21 pm


Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Disclaimer. Again. I need them all the time.

Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

I need to say something about the hukum (ruling) about contact with relatives who are not mahram. I know I mentioned in the last post about the familial tradition of making the younger ones salam cium tangan those that they are not supposed to touch.

Well, I stand corrected. Faqir illa-Rabbih. All that which are honourable and true come from Allah, and any discrepancies are my fault completely.

Sheikh Yusuf al-Qardhaw, after much unbiased ijtihad, had decided that it is permissible, given certain situations. The full article is here.

He says:

"Finally, I would like to ascertain two points:

Firstly, shaking hands between males and females who are not mahrams is only permissible when there is no desire or fear of fitnah. But if there is fear of fitnah, desire, or enjoyment, then handshaking is no doubt haram (unlawful). In contrast, if either of these two conditions (that there is no desire or fear of fitnah) is lacking between a male and any of his female mahrams, such as his aunt or foster sister or the like, then handshaking will be haram (although it is originally permissible).

Secondly, handshaking between males and females who are not mahrams should be restricted to necessary situations such as between relatives or those whose relationships are established by marriage. It is preferable not to expand the field of permissibility in order to block the means to evil and to be far away from doubt and to take the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) as a model when there is no proof that he shook hands with a non-mahram woman. Also, it is preferable for the pious Muslim, male or female, not to stretch out his/her hand to shake the hand of anyone of the opposite sex who is not mahram. But if he/she is put in a situation that someone stretches out his/her hand to shake hands with him/her, then he/she can do that.

I have tried to clarify the detailed ruling of the issue here in order to inform those who are in the dark about it how to behave while sticking to the tenets of their religion. Also, when the detailed Islamic ruling is explained and people are fully aware of it, there will be no room for personal justifications that are not supported by legal backing. "

I liked his disclaimer, even if I don't agree with the fatwa. But hey, that is just me. I feel that avoidance is always best, and that there is no excuse for ignorance (quoted from an ustazah). We have to start educating people by setting an example. However, 'kita belajar dengan iman, kita beramal dengan taqwa' (Ust. Hasrizal 2005,

In the words of Sister 'Aina, "listen to all sides, keep an open mind, istikharah (ask Allah for guidance), and do what your heart feels is best. That is all we can ask."

So. To each thine own.

Hope it clears out a few scratching heads. It's not healthy for the scalp.


this has been a rant by Syazwina Saw at 12:06 am