Thursday, November 02, 2006


Sekadar luahan perasaan.

Assalamualaikum wrh. wbt.

So many people are eager to pick fights. I happen to be one of them. I am touchy and uber-sensitive and I care too much what people think of me. All of which I'm trying to fix right now. I'm not particularly good at debates. I tend to never make the point, and all people end up doing is laugh. At me.

Maybe it's one of those hidden blessings God has blessed me with. The inability to hurt anyone's feelings but my own. Because come to think of it, heartache/dissappointment will build my soul. But I can't say what it will do other people. I'm better off not sinning that way.

'And I found my head one day
when I wasn't even trying
and here I have to say
cause there is no use in lying, lying'


*****

The people I know from a distance hurt my head. They don't mean to. But they do.

They're so emotionally-fueled. They dream so hard, and when they fall short off the mark, they lick their wounds publicly. And they're so keen to philosophize life, but they end up confusing themselves. I try to keep track, but they confuse me instead.

They seem to be searching for strength, for love, for answers for everything. But as humans are oft to do, they tend to look in a myriad of places, neither of which contain the real answer.

'Well I hit the rowdy road
and many kinds I met there
and many stories told me on the way to get there'

*****

I was searching for answers, and it got me here. And my mind has often argued with my nafs over what right and wrong is.

And everytime I open a page, the answers are there, as if just for me.

Telling me to be patient.
Telling me to be kind.
Telling me to not waste time.
Telling me that the struggle is sweeter than it seems to those who know not.
Telling me to walk away from confusion.
Telling me that there will be no worries, as long as I know where my soul shall lay rest.

Each word is a reminder. Each word is a comfort. Each word echoes true and hard in me, and I find kindred spirits who feel the same.

'Yes the answer lies within
so why not take a look now
Kick out the devil's sin
pickup, pickup the good book now '

*****

The months have sped by so fast. And I cannot marvel more by how much I have changed. I have changed so much and so fast.

I used to be scared of change. Now change is my friend.

'Paradise has a price'.

I had left the comforts and confusion of my homecountry in search of answers. I had left not really knowing what I would find, but I had high hopes. And I found something which puzzled me at first. But which I could not argue with.

Now I'm going back. And I wonder if my time back in LITW will undo everything I have strived for here. I wonder whether familiarity will be the ruin of me.

I kneel and pray for strength. For thabat on this road.

' Well I left my happy home
to see what I could find out
I left my folk and friends
with the aim to clear my mind out '

*****

'So on and on I go, the seconds tick the time out
So much left to know, and I'm on the road to find out '


Wassalamualaik.

P.S:- Jazakillah to my ukhti 'Aidah for Yusuf Islam's 'On the Road to Find Out', which was what I was listening to as I ranted this time around.


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this has been a rant by Syazwina Saw at 12:07 pm

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