Wednesday, August 08, 2007


Heater moments.

While I was satiating my post-exams winter craving for fudge brownies, I curled up in front of the heater and continued reading Soe Hok Gie’s diary, Catatan Seorang Demonstran.

I stumbled across Soe Hok Gie while I was Youtubing during SWOT-VAC. I saw the movie overnight, and while I was taking a break in the Bailleau, decided to search if there was anything on him. And I found his diary (and also that his brother, Prof. Arief Budiman, is teaching at the university’s Asia Centre).

For someone who wholeheartedly swallowed fiction when I was younger, reading about him has reminded me of how far I’ve matured since the time I used to be gullible enough to believe the written word as truth. My dissection of Gie as a person distances myself from him with our differences, but I’ve also found within me respect and to an extent, affection for the tragic young revolutionaire, which extends beyond our shared surname and ancestry (so my father, the Chinese pseudo-culturalist, believes).

Sometimes, I feel like he has written the words away from my mind, and this was one such moment:

… Segi lain adalah segi ras. Mereka percaya bahawa ada mentalitas (naluri) yang tidak bisa berubah lebih-lebih bila bertengkar dalam segi orang Tionghua. Mereka katakan bahawa orang Tionghua itu semua materialis, pengkhianat dan sebagainya. Aku mengetahui semua tadi. Tapi aku juga menunjukkan bahwa tidak semua begitu dan itu dapat berubah. Kepribadian bangsa bagiku adalah suatu proses yang lama dalam situasi tertentu, tapi dalam situasi lain itu dapat berubah. Juga kami ribut dalam soal nama dan seterusnya, dan seterusnya, dan seterusnya.

…Another aspect was the topic of race. They believed that there exists an unpliable mentality (instinct) that remains unchanged, especially in regards to the Tionghua (Chinese). They claimed that all Chinese are materialistic, traitors, and so on. I acknowledge all that. But I also know that not all are such, and that it can change. (The formation of) Racial identity, to me, is a long process, but which can be changed when provided a different situation. We also debated issues like names, etc. etc. etc.

I admire Gie for his intellect, astute psychoanalysis of the moralistic society, and his blatant honesty. He was brilliant, no doubt, but he had too little faith in the world. He was a self-proclaimed atheist and pessimist, while simultaneously being a moralist with relatively idealistic principles (he believed that sex tainted true love, and often declared that love was the only reason left for living). He pushed forth his ideas on the crucial need for democracy but stopped himself short from politics (eventually becoming part of the Angkatan ’66, the Indonesian student uprisal which brought along the Orde Baru under Suharto’s military rule). He adamantly debated his opinions with his educators, and his refusal to compromise with tact cost him his friends.

Mari sini sayangku.
Kalian yang pernah mesra, yang pernah baik dan simpati padaku.
Tegaklah ke langit luas atau awan yang mendung.
Kita tak pernah menanamkan apa-apa, kita tak ‘kan pernah kehilangan apa-apa.

Come here, my dear.
Those of you who were my mates, who were kind and sympathetic to me.
Look to the heavens wide, or the heavy clouds.
We never vested anything, we shall never lose anything.

And so I suppose that we will all share the same fate, us like-minded people. Those who believe that the world is worth better – that things should change. Those of us who still hold on to ideals despite pessimism, and understand that ‘change will not come to a people unless they change themselves’ – we may never be understood. But that ultimately, it is not the end, but the journey which matters.

Pada suatu saat dimana kita berhenti.
Memandang ke belakang.
Dan memberi salam.
(Mesra tetapi sayu).

Masa lampau adalah seperti mimpi.
Terlupa dan berat menarik ke belakang.
Terkadang kecewa.
Yang bilang, semua hilang.
Seperti Usus yang lenyap kelemasan.
Dan kecewa seperti Asvius yang patah hati.
Kemasakan, dan juga kenaifan.
Keberanian dan pengkhianatan.
Apakah kita bisa bicara tentang nilai-nilai?
Sebelum dewasa?

When the moment comes in which we halt.
Look behind.
And greet each other.
(Amiable but melancholic).

The past is like a dream.
Forgotten and heavy, pulling us back.
Sometimes disappointing.
The counted all are gone.
Like Usus who disappeared, drowning.
And disappointed like the broken-hearted Asvius.
Maturity and naivete.
Bravery and betrayal.
Will we have time to talk of virtues?
Before we grow old?

this has been a rant by Syazwina Saw at 12:56 am

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