Saturday, June 09, 2007


selfish, much?

The Signor asked me an important question, which belied its nonchalant appearance:

“So, are you going back home? To Malaysia?”

And I faltered. It was, I think, the first time I was asked that question, and wasn’t sure of my reply.

I have always had ideals. Big dreams. Of how I’m going to go home to Malaysia and fix things. Make the world a better place to live.

I know it sounds selfish. But now? I’m not sure I want to go home.

Home is where the heart is. I’ve repeated that phrase more than once. And the answer to that would be the same, except that the priorities in my heart have changed places.

Right now, my heart lies here.

It’s not that I don’t love my country. It’s not that I don’t see what an addled mess it is, and how badly it needs a fixer-upper. It’s just that I have a life here now – a busy existence where I actually have things to do; where to some extent, my voice actually matters. Where the things I do matter – where what I do makes a difference (or so I think). Where I am not demeaned or undermined or imposed on.

Where it seems enough for me to be me.

Back home, I’m never good enough. I’m never enough. The things I do don’t matter, and my words don’t count.

It can’t be that I’ve grown so much in three months. So I surmise that it’s just the way things are here.

Here, I’ve come into my own. I feel like I belong someplace.

Whereas in Malaysia, I’m the outsider who never has – maybe never could – fit in.

And so when my mother drummed into me the oft-repeated study mission for my finals, late last night, “Study hard; do you best; come home and help your nation –“

I cut her short by saying, “What if I don't come home?”

I could almost hear her shrug over the phone line.

In essence, I could never leave Malaysia alone. Not just like that. But I know that in the near future - in the here and now, which is the only realm I dare plan - I don't feel yet like going home.

this has been a rant by Syazwina Saw at 12:14 pm

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