Saturday, October 14, 2006


Shivering in the chilly spring.

Assalamualaikum wrh. wbt.

I am shivering.

I don't think it's completely due to the chilly wind breezing through my open window. It's the first pleasantly cold day in nearly a week. I am very thankful, alhamdulillah.

I think I am scared.

I asked the naqibahs of my QC once. And I've asked PNut. And I've asked Ummu Faiqah, over green apples at the kitchen counter. And I've read about it in another ukhti's blog.

And we're all carrying about the same worry in the depths of our memories. Maybe in different amounts. But mostly the same concerns.

Maybe we're all somewhat scared.

I still remember, a little, of what it felt like, those few weeks before I left home. LITW home. That part of me I really long for, but am wary of at the same time. I thought that since I had felt confused and listless back home before, I would be able to deal with it when I flew back there during summer.

A trip to a friend's room a fortnight back proved me wrong, as only Allah ever can.

It was surprising to feel so suffocated and so lost, being the only one with that mindset in that particular house, at that particular moment. It felt like I was floating alone, and like I had no one on my side. Luckily, my heart drew me to the prayer mat, and I spent a few long minutes there, praying hard. I hope that my intentions were sincere, because Allah knew I nearly felt like my physical heart would take. I felt like I was near drowning, and the moments after I shut the door behind me and rushed down the corridor felt like huge gasps of painful fresh air, filling my lungs and nourishing my soul.

I know it all sound fairly dramatic, but that's how it felt like. It's just my nature to express myself with such superfluous adjectives, is all. But here's the honest question:

How do you swim with your head above water?

I thought that since I had learned so many new things from the people around me, and from my parents, through the endless phone calls, I thought that I would be able to handle going back to LITW, and back into that inferno of confusion and lost souls searching. I thought that I would be able to swim upright, my head held high.

Now I'm not so sure.

And the mood music (OPick's Buka Mata Buka Hati) is not helping much.
But an introspective on the lyrics is easing the worry a little.

'Tak mungkin bisa ku sempurna
MencintaiMu seperti keMaha-anMu
Dini yang hina berlumur noda
Hanya bersimpuh memohon belas kasihMu

Beribu dosa tlah terjadi
Mewarnai langkahku
Hitam diri
Hitamlah hari yang lalu

Bila tanpa cahayaMu
Gelap seluruh hidupku
Tak berdaya
Tak bererti
Sia-sia

Buka mataku
Buka hatiku
Allah, terangilah hidupku
Dengan sinarmu.'

I guess, there isn't much in me to do, except to mujahadah. I really have to work at it, I know. Because I can see myself actually longing to do the things I used to, nearly a year ago (masyaAllah, time flies), when in fact, I know I shouldn't. I'm still struggling with my physical jahiliyah, and I know I've only just begun on my inner jahiliyah. I have far still to go.

I must admit, it will be hard to think differently.
To act differently.
To have stronger principles, and insyaAllah, live up to them.
To have a different scale of judgement.
To dress differently, even, considering the environment I will be surrounded by.
A few semi-funny, semi-revealing anecdotes by Ummu Lo'lo' brought to light this point.

Ah, alhamdulillah, she will be so near by.

But after eight months of falling into pattern, it will be hard, being thrust into another environment. Despite my social inanity, I will definitely miss the bi'ah that surrounded me so thus far. We will be spread out all over LITW, come November and December.

If the 2nd-years feel the weight of the burden, I wonder how us 1st-years will fare?

May Allah give us all the strength of will and stoicity of faith that it will take for us to pull through. Ilaa mardhatillah, insyaAllah.

Wassalamualaikum.

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this has been a rant by Syazwina Saw at 10:37 am

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