Tuesday, September 05, 2006


Another spring day in September.

Assalamualaikum all.

Now, let me be a little scary with this question:

How have YOU been?

See? Told you it was scary. Because I wasn't being completely and utterly selfish, for one.

Where have my thoughts for my brothers and sisters in Palestine/Iraq/Afghan/Kosova/India/Guantanamo/Abu Ghraib/Sudan gone to? Have they left with the spring breeze?

MasyaAllah, we had a few wonderful days of wonderful weather. It was remarkable. I now truly understand what Spring the Season is -- what it means to have a spot of sun after months of dry, harsh, cold weather -- which was enjoyable nonetheless. Allah forbid I say anything to deny his Work.

The past few weeks have been emotional, definitely. For me. See where this is going? Inwards. So bear with me for a bit.

I have been accepting, rebelling, doing a little bit of take-no-give, trying to be nonchalant, trying to be passive-aggressive, trying hard not to care. But failing miserably at all attempts. Maybe I am just not meant to be cruel, even at intervals. Maybe all my attempts at being cruel are just to be shot down into foolish acts of immaturity and lack of common sense.

Maybe. Allahu'alam. And alhamdulillah for that. For I don't think I could atone for all the broken hearts that I could have caused, otherwise.

Last weekend was splendid. It was my first foray into the city where I wasn't in a hurry to go anywhere. Ummu Mukhlisah and I left early, and later found out that getting to Flinder's wasn't too urgent a need. So we took our time. We ran on fresh, bouncy grass and took pictures of flowers. We walked all the way down Lygon and smack into the CBD. We were out early enough for most cafes and all retailers to be closed. We took our time and chatted. About stuff.

Later, when she got here, we all went out for a drink at Gloria Jean's. Which means that it is official. I am now a kaki-cafe. Mocha, chai latte, cappucino -- they no longer faze me. Bring it on, I say.

Then, the must-go session at Vic Market. Salmon, oyster mushrooms, ginger.

And we ended the daylight with a spot of reflection and some delish desserts.

Then night came and brought its own untold stories.

The sun did not last very long, for dark, heavy clouds came soon after.

And now it feels like spring had not arrived. Like it was just a dream, and I had never let go of my winter coats after all. It's chilly, and my thermoblanket is still my all-weather friend.

So I look further, into the darkness, overlooking the random set of headlight making it down the freeway.

And think of the children now with no father.

And the family dodging bullets that pelt the ground like rain.

And a particular mossy-green dome with your, mine, our names on it. Blood-red stains may cover it soon, and we may not be able to recognize it anymore.

And I think: How could I be so selfish? How could they judge? How could I judge? How could I push away and bigot upon anyone at all?

And I reply: Because I am human. Because I am human by my ruh and by my nafs. Because I do not rule over my nafs. Not yet.

Wallahu'alam bissawab.

How was YOUR day?

this has been a rant by Syazwina Saw at 12:54 am

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