Tuesday, September 05, 2006


Admission: I faltered.

Assalamualaikum wrh. wbt.

I was listening to Once's (though it really came from OPick) Dealova. The music is haunting. There is something about Indo-Rock. It haunts you. It makes you ache inside for something you're not entirely sure of.

Ah. English is beginning to suck, because it leaves such little space for telling something as it is but in the vaguest way possible. My bad for not taking BMelayu seriously when I had the chance. Sigh.

Anyway. I faltered. I remembered the past, just as I thought I had said 'farewell' to it so long ago.

And I did a Google search. For a person's name.

Does it kill me that they are able to live so freely with such abandon, and without any worries, other than the superficial ones?

Maybe.

Does it make me incredibly mean if I am glad that they have not changed?

Musawwiratul Jadid would say in that warning tone of hers, "Awin... Don't go there, okay?"

Do I want them to change (ah, such a big word)?

Yes?

It does make me sad that I no longer see things their way. And it does make me sad that they do not understand. Not yet, anyway. Islam has no room for pessimism.

For someone who cherished being weird and different for so long - yes. It makes me wince inside to see how they are, still. How much I used to be like them. How much I have changed. Or not.

Sorry, Musawwiratul Jadid. I compare. 'Tis what I do.

And does it make me feel awful, remembering that name?

Why, yes.

That name. Put me through very painful moments. All self-inflicted, of course. But still. Those moments are reminscent of the natural, gut-tearing feeling you get in the pit of your large intestine when you hear that Indon-Rock vibe that makes it so infamous.

So the avid music-worshipper (tsk, tsk) will understand just how awful I felt in the past. Amplified a few hundred times. Right.

Arveen would verbally slaughter me if she knew. Which she will, insyaAllah.

Which reminds me, Kirdain, before Arveen leaves, I want to tuntut hutang ko pada aku. Right? Go.

Genetics, here I come. InsyaAllah.

And btw, Lubna. I know I scare people. Why, though? :)

Wassalamualaik.

this has been a rant by Syazwina Saw at 9:45 pm

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