Saturday, June 24, 2006


When you have more free time lent to you...

Assamualaikum wrh. wbt.

Finals are over. Alhamdulillah. However, unlike how we all expected, the end of our examinations was met with a resounding, heavy-hearted sigh. The paper that we had expected to be the easiest turned out to be a killer. The Business paper was mind-twisting and stupefying. My Chemistry paper was torture on earth in true form. Surprisingly, the best paper thus far would have to be Biology. Huh.

If I don’t do well for my exams, I will be the only one to blame. Have I lived up to my full potential? Had I really, truly, tried my best? Had I taken things too easily, and reckoned that I could do anything my lecturers threw in front of me?

Possibly.

But I must also say, these past few months have been surprising. Surprisingly scary. I have undergone many changes – of mind, of body, of heart. Sister Rayyan called this ‘soul-searching’. I prefer to use a term I’m beginning to see more and more often this year: ‘tarbiyyah’. I like to think that everything I’m going through is a sort of test from Allah, which in turns tells me better what I want, what I need, and leads me to understand that the decisions I make every single moment of every single day will ultimately shape me into the person that I will be, in this life and the next.

I have had to make many choices, all of them (usually) on my own. The issue of food, well, let’s just say, I tend to be a bit overzealous in that department. The issue of ibadah, a more pressing matter, is of current concern to me. On one hand, routine can reduce the effects of ibadah on the heart. On the other, I do not want to seem as if I am making excuses to my Lord on why I choose to miss a particular solat sunat (I don’t know how it is described in English, but it is a prayer that is not compulsory, but is encouraged). The issue of entertainment is also something that I consider everyday. In recent weeks, I’ve discovered the enjoyment of the cultural phenom we call ‘Korean dramas’ (i.e. My Girl). I know that such items of the world are not necessary, and contribute little to my development as a human being, what else a Muslim. But I’ve found that I can’t resist that bit of temptation yet. The same goes for several Japanese songs. The ones that made up the soundtracks of the dramas they used to screen on TV3 during weekend afternoons all those years ago. Those. I like.

This morning, after Subuh, some sisters and I were sitting around in a circle, just discussing about life, in general. It wasn’t even a kuliyyah subuh or anything; more like the sharing of hearts and minds. We got to unloading some issues that troubled us, and our seniors (especially Mama Ninie and Nenek Syahid :)) offered ways to clear our minds, based on their experience and their knowledge. What began as a five-minute chat lasted more than 4 hours, all the way through a hearty breakfast and into Zohor.

I suppose the bustle of exams, and the detachment from my sisters that it created, made me feel lonely and lost for a while. Not having people to rely upon, as I usually did, had given me the loneliness that I, at one point, had craved for. I am an anti-social being, for the most part. I may talk a mile a minute, but when I need time alone, I burrow away in a corner or flutter from person to person. But not meeting my sisters in the musolla, or meeting them in the corridors or on the road, walking, like what I was used to, had given me a taste of what it’s like not having other people there, helping remind you of the consequences of the choices you make. They helped remind me, but never forced or decided for me. In a way, this past month of imtihan has helped make me even more independent.

On the other hand, I’ve felt just how scary being alone really is like. When nobody has the time to talk to each other. When they really, truly, did not have time to spare, catching up with you. What it’s like to be without a support system. It is unnerving.

On the bright side, I’ve developed more of my own mind. And I have made new friends, from old connections that I have overlooked. I see better how other people work, and I how I function with them. I have learnt to walk the streets alone, and make selfish decisions, both good and bad.

Sigh. So. Exams will do that to you.

Wallahu’alam bissawab. InsyaAllah, inspired by many of my friends’ blogs, I may speak on the Characteristics of My Perfect Guy. That should be educational.

Wassalamu’alaikum.

P.S:- Speaking on the topic of support systems -- from where I stand, I can see differences between different opinions and schools of thought. Haq vs. batil. And I can see prejudices more clearly. Elizabeth Bennet I am not, but I must say, I can see that different people perceive things differently.

Only I do not know how to overcome them.

this has been a rant by Syazwina Saw at 10:43 pm

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