Monday, June 05, 2006
Maybe I should speak.
Assalamualaikum.
Whatever happened in the wonderful REB on Nicholson, will be left to Allah. Tawakkal tu 'al-Allah. He knows best, He knows all, and only He will decide.
But for me to say that I have done my best would be a lie.
I feel such tremendous guilt.
I live a relatively comfortable life, here in Melbourne. I eat good (when I'm not cooking). I am very healthy. I have a roof over my head. I have clothes to wear, even enough to layer myself with. I have technology at my fingertips.
But I am so ungrateful.
'Alhamdulillah' does not suffice, if I only utter the words, but do not stop to reflect and mean them. 'Barakallah' is not a proper doa until I truly do mean it upon the person I utter it to.
For until I love in my brothers and sisters, what I love in myself, I am not complete. For I would not be of faith.
I have drifted away and forgotten the meaning of Islam. Selamat. Peace. Safety.
I have been petty and miserly and started questioning and looking for holes in the system. I have started to look for ways out. I have one foot in the matter and one foot looking for a hideaway.
What good am I as a person if I find myself reluctant to not buy things that are not crucial? To not buy things that fuel the bullets that kill my brothers and sisters?
They suffer in silence, because no one listens.
And I have heard. But I do not speak.
I do not try my best to help them in the only way I can.
I count eggs until they crack open.
I count raindrops until they evaporate into misshapen rainbows.
I lose the plot and the meaning altogether.
Tears do not stain my eyes but for a while. They do not peel my heart open and let me suffer.
Reading about their pain brings my selfish thoughts to mind.
Oh Allah, forgive me and my selfishness.
Please place me on the right path; the straight path.
Do not place me with those who err knowingly or unknowingly.
Please remind me always, and do not let me forget.
Please give me the strength and the will to fight.
Please remind me of why I am here.
Do not let me stray from the fight.
Fix my heart before You set it free.
I am helpless before You.
this has been a rant by Syazwina Saw at 4:30 pm
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