Saturday, June 10, 2006


I'm yellow.

Assalamualaikum wrh.wbt.

Apparently, in Korean, 'yellow' is a term used very often in reference to acts of cowardice. Hey, you learn something new everyday. I have only discovered the Korean serial, Full House, if you can imagine. Not obsessed. I just enjoy. From what I know, yes, I realize that Korean dramas are something I should not waste time over. Sebagai alasan, however, stories like Full House and Goong can be a way of convincing youngsters that love after marriage is always sweeter. Haha.

Eh. Ini juga arahan Islam. Kebetulan je kot.

But yes. Am now moving on to Business in the Global Economy. I will never be able to look at another international product without thinking of all the effort placed into creating and marketing something as trivial in my life as toothpaste.

MasyaAllah.

This was part of a YM session I had with my honorary KakChik just a few nights back. She’s one of the few people I can truly be brutally honest with. I know. It takes a tremendous amount of patience to be my friend. If you were, you’d deserve some sort of a trophy. I’m a very weird person. I don’t have many close friends. As may be apparent. *shrug*

But coming to the point of brutal honesty. I am that, with Shaheera. She’s a dear soul. I respect her a lot, because I end up learning more about myself when I talk to her. I see myself in a different light.

Alhamdulillah for you, Sheera-Doro-kins. I miss you a lot. As I’m sure you know. I don’t know how I’m going to go through the rest of uni knowing that I can no longer knock on your door and pester you all night long. Because sometimes it feels like you’re the only who can get me. But you’re not here.

Anyway. With her permission, here’s part of our heavily edited YM transcript (kerna aku tidak mahu satu tragedi publisiti seperti Mawi - refer to Utusan Online for details):

airelithiel: assalamualaikum sayang~!
airelithiel: you do realize that i miss you so much that i have to keep pestering you all the time?
Shaheera Djafar: waalaikumussalam
Shaheera Djafar: hahahah
airelithiel: so if you're busy. just shoot.
airelithiel: tell me straight out.
Shaheera Djafar: uh
Shaheera Djafar: okay
Shaheera Djafar: tell u what?
airelithiel: if you're busy.
airelithiel: but i miss you too much to not kacau you.
Shaheera Djafar: im not busy
Shaheera Djafar: im waitin for my laundry in d dryer
airelithiel: when are your exams again?
Shaheera Djafar: next friday
airelithiel: ooooh.
airelithiel: dryer.
airelithiel: such a privilege i have not experienced.
airelithiel: what paper first?
Shaheera Djafar: haha
Shaheera Djafar: um
Shaheera Djafar: chem
Shaheera Djafar: bleargh
airelithiel: i feel your pain, sista.
airelithiel: *FEELING IT*
Shaheera Djafar: hahahhaha
Shaheera Djafar: is ur chem papar tomoro?
airelithiel: not until next next tuesday.
airelithiel: and then next next wednesday
airelithiel: and then next next thrusday.
airelithiel: *thurs. ah, you get me.
Shaheera Djafar: so 3 days straight?
airelithiel: hait. *bow*
airelithiel: 졸려 죽겠어ㅠ.ㅜ
Shaheera Djafar: hahahah
Shaheera Djafar: kesian
airelithiel: i need strength. gimme a hug. gimme.
Shaheera Djafar: maaf gue ngga ade yg gede lagi

* * *
airelithiel: about the zionist boycott. amongst other things.
Shaheera Djafar: ooowh
Shaheera Djafar: ic ic
airelithiel: it's a source of... discussion.
Shaheera Djafar: aah
Shaheera Djafar: ic ic
airelithiel: well. i am not buying stuff that is directly being funded to the people who are killing palestinians. but i cannot absolutely boycott all american products. that would be pointless,
airelithiel: kan?
Shaheera Djafar: hmm
Shaheera Djafar: btul gak
Shaheera Djafar: kang ekonomi tk jln kang
airelithiel: not the economy really... but mainly because you can't go anywhere and not buy an american product.
Shaheera Djafar: hm
Shaheera Djafar: that wld be true as well
airelithiel: but if i know that something is DIRECTLY paying the zionist idiots... for want of a better curse word that i can't use...
airelithiel: with firm proof.
airelithiel: then i have no choice.
airelithiel: i would be a hypocrite otherwise, spouting palestinian support, tapi makan mcd. you know? that's how i feel anyway.
Shaheera Djafar: hmmm
Shaheera Djafar: ic ic
Shaheera Djafar: u haf very strong values yknow
airelithiel: ooooh. insyaAllah.
airelithiel: sticking to the boycott is hard, i know.
airelithiel: especially in msia.
airelithiel: but well. i have to try. we'll see how it goes.
airelithiel: that's what you get when you buy political badges and wear them. they give you guilt.
Shaheera Djafar: hahaha
Shaheera Djafar: true true

* * *
Note: We continued on. About how being different scares me. A lot.

airelithiel: i built people up in my head, only to have to revise them
airelithiel: and place them into smaller fragmentations of my imagination.
airelithiel: and now. in the end.
airelithiel: there isn't much that i can say.
Shaheera Djafar: hmm
Shaheera Djafar: well
Shaheera Djafar: firstly, the whole revising ppl is a lifelong process
Shaheera Djafar: even d ppl u’ve known for a long time tend to surprise u frm time to time
airelithiel: what can i say? maybe i am disappointed. that i could be such a poor judge of character. that i so easily take and lap up at first glance the first image that pops in my head.
airelithiel: hmph.
airelithiel: so. there we go.
airelithiel: but we also have different principles. [Note: referring to MANY people. And me.]
airelithiel: and that relates into a different thing altogether.
airelithiel: you know me. i always want people to see things MY way.
Shaheera Djafar: hmm
Shaheera Djafar: i know [I can picture you saying this with a straight face, Doro]
Shaheera Djafar: but you see
Shaheera Djafar: its normal to judge based on first impressions
Shaheera Djafar: its human
airelithiel: but i build people up. with golden bricks.
airelithiel: and as it turns out. boleh berkarat jugak.
Shaheera Djafar: sumtimes different views n principles can help you see the bigger picture
airelithiel: yes. true.
Shaheera Djafar: it sort of bursts that little bubble of comfort uve build between u n d real world
airelithiel: but i can't live with people who have different principles as i do.
Shaheera Djafar: i know [Note: Haha Doro. You know me too well J]
airelithiel: which is why i am sort of dreading doing the whole boycott thing at home.
airelithiel: because i am afraid that my family won't do the same.
airelithiel: family. i've always shared my family's values, you know?
airelithiel: so. being different. scares me.
Shaheera Djafar: hmm
Shaheera Djafar: i know you can't FORCE ur principles on them
airelithiel: yeah. i know. no forcing.
airelithiel: but being different scares me, doro.
Shaheera Djafar: but I'm pretty sure they won't stop you from doin what YOU think is right
airelithiel: i know.
airelithiel: but living with them, and yet not sharing that one thing with them. really scares the life out of me. you know?
airelithiel: it means that i am becoming more my own person. and in a way, i am not ready for that yet.
Shaheera Djafar: hmmm
Shaheera Djafar: well eventually u will have to grow to be ur own person
Shaheera Djafar: lets just look at it this way
Shaheera Djafar: its better to be discovering urself when ur alone then when ur back home
Shaheera Djafar: at least ull get some sort of clarity witout havin ur family's biasness affect you
Shaheera Djafar: coz u knw as much as they love you
airelithiel: well. guess what.
airelithiel: being alone scares me too.
Shaheera Djafar: aww
Shaheera Djafar: syaz
Shaheera Djafar: it scares me too
Shaheera Djafar: but im not dying because of it
airelithiel: i can see it. i read your blog
Shaheera Djafar: hehehe
Shaheera Djafar: u just take things slowly okay?
airelithiel: i'll try. but i'm not used to being so independent.
airelithiel: i keep thinking that malaysia isn't so far away.
airelithiel: the human mind adapts fast to new situations.
airelithiel: so melbourne is like my home.
airelithiel: but at the same time...
airelithiel: it's really a world's difference.
airelithiel: what scares me most is what happens when i go back for the holidays.
Shaheera Djafar: hmm
Shaheera Djafar: i understand
airelithiel: i am scared that i won't be able to relate to my old life anymore.
airelithiel: where mat sallehs used to fascinate me. they used to be other-worldly.
airelithiel: but they are human now.
Shaheera Djafar: i know
Shaheera Djafar: but im pretty sure once uve settled back in
Shaheera Djafar: ull be fine
airelithiel: chatting with people back home reminds me of all the things i left behind [Note: referring to people in general. Not referring to my family in specifics.]
airelithiel: and how different my mind works now.
airelithiel: they don't seen things my way.
airelithiel: and maybe that disappoints me.
Shaheera Djafar: hmm
Shaheera Djafar: i guess
Shaheera Djafar: but one day ull have to learn to accept that not everything you say has to be followed
Shaheera Djafar: just because ppl dont fully agree with everything you say
Shaheera Djafar: doesnt mean dat u dont fit in
airelithiel: maybe its not so much that what i say is law. because it's not. unfortunately [Note: I was joking.]
airelithiel: but i guess i'm scared of being different.
airelithiel: i mean, how people look at me.
airelithiel: that sort of thing.
Shaheera Djafar: everyone is different
airelithiel: yeah...
airelithiel: i'm trying to understand that.
Shaheera Djafar: hmm
Shaheera Djafar: i think this just means that ur growing up
Shaheera Djafar: when we were younger
Shaheera Djafar: we werent relli mature enuf to think 4 ourselves
Shaheera Djafar: so we sorta relied on the gen pop for values
Shaheera Djafar: but now as we grow older
Shaheera Djafar: n we’re more exposed to things we mould ourselves based on our new views n ideas
airelithiel: growing up. is some scary business, kak chik.
Shaheera Djafar: i know
Shaheera Djafar: im sure i still havent reached dat stage yet
Shaheera Djafar: i mean im gettin slightly more mature
Shaheera Djafar: but i know im still naive
airelithiel: not that naive anymore. but we all are. we still think pretty thoughts. i used to think that was naivete: if you still had hope in the world
airelithiel: now i guess i can see that hope is a much better thing than i gave it credit for.
Shaheera Djafar: hehe
Shaheera Djafar: why yes
Shaheera Djafar: having hope n faith in things doesnt mean ur naive
airelithiel: i see that now.
airelithiel: thank you for being my pillar of strength and being so mature when i need you.
airelithiel:
airelithiel: i really appreciate it.
airelithiel: thanks ever so much. mui mui gratze.
Shaheera Djafar: haha
airelithiel: hahaha. my pleasure.
airelithiel: i'm always here when you need sobering up.
Shaheera Djafar: hhe
Shaheera Djafar: thanks
Shaheera Djafar: alrite
Shaheera Djafar: im off to the laundry room!
Shaheera Djafar: sounds very superheroish eh?
Shaheera Djafar: nite!
Shaheera Djafar: love ya!
airelithiel: love you too.
airelithiel: night.
airelithiel: wslm. *HUGE HUG*
Shaheera Djafar: hehe
Shaheera Djafar: *hug back*

Not(e) Again!: As mentioned previously, the account above has been heavily edited. I have learnt in the past week that blogging has to be less of a selfish thing. I have to be more considerate of others, and how they feel when they see what I write, and I have to be careful of how it affects them. Being less selfish is part of being a Muslim.

MasyaAllah. Another lesson well taught by Allah.

Wallahu’alam bissawab.

Wassalamualaikum.

this has been a rant by Syazwina Saw at 7:49 am

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