Friday, May 05, 2006


Fixing the broken pieces.

Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

I was going to put this really insipid, self-centred blog tonight. It's so narcissistic, I'm even disgusted with myself for being so self-centred. I mean, what is the point of writing hundreds of words on my week, when it was the same as all the others before? Tests and pracs come and go, but hey, Syazwina, deal with it. These things happen. That's why you ENROLLED here, remember, instead of staying at home, trying not to cook and not to do laundry?

Padan muka.

This may sound a bit more than self-deprecating to some. Maybe it's because, for the first time, I'm putting my critical eye and mind on the subject that requires the MOST critique:

ME. Yours truly, initiator of this blog you are reading, Noor Syazwina Salim Saw.

Oui, moi.

All those discussions with Kak Aina and my other sisters; that lesson about backbiting, and those countless reminders from Allah about how small and hina I am, and I just don't get it, do I?

I haven't changed a bit.

I am still that little, measly, hypercritical, self-praising little twit I was, hidayah or no hidayah.

I am truly one who is in loss.

This realization came after another long-deserving lecture from my mother on my worrying hyper-criticality, and Sheera's comment on my blog.

What sort of a muslim would pass judgement on another muslim?

And yet that is what I do every single day.

I compare people with each other. I take people's level of faith from their friends and how they act. As if I were enlightened, or something.

I am, in fact, self-righteous to the point of self-oblivion.

What sort of a muslim would sabotage herself in such a manner?

Ah, Syazwina. As Mama said, you have to stop taking people from their physical appearance. You can only doa for the best for them. You cannot pass judgement on their hearts, for even Rasulullah, he who was released from all sins, refused to do so. He said that no one had a right.

All those talks about tauhid, nawaitu, and such, from Mama and Kak Aina (who, Mama, if you're reading this, tells me the same things you told me before, so there's no difference really), and yet you never learn, do you? You go on doing the same mistakes. The ones you fix, you allow to elevate yourself to this position higher than other people, who still have not seen the error of their ways. Kan?

Astaghfirullahal'azim. Istighfar again and again, Syazwina. May you always remember tonight's lecture. May you never forget, insyaAllah.

May you always remember to ask Allah to help fix the broken pieces of your heart.

P.S:- If you don't understand, it's alright. This is just to let people who think that I am some sort of wunderkid know, I have much to learn. I have much to do. I have much to apply. So I need all the help I can get, inside, out. Please teach me. *Japanese half-bow of teacher-pupil obedience*

Gomenasai.

this has been a rant by Syazwina Saw at 11:21 pm

0 comments