Sunday, March 26, 2006
I’m leaving on a Jet Plane
* This is a journal entry, one of the few publicly-readable ones, almost verbatim, from my very own diary (the one I shall keep in my room and leave to my grandchildren to read, so that they’ll be able to think, “Gee, no matter how boring my life is, at least it was never this boring.” Laughter.) Enjoy. *
Dear Diary,
It’s another year. Isn’t it funny? All this while – worrying about exams, my (non-existent) love life, my faith – and I suddenly find that Allah is giving me one of the greatest trials in my entire life: My acceptance and now-guaranteed departure to Melbourne University, Victoria, Australia.
Isn’t it funny – in that inanely ironic way -- that something you have strived for for years can suddenly be like the crazy dream you never expected would come true? Like when I was in INTEC, my friends and I never stopped saying, “When we fly…” And now that we can mean it, we attempt to stall the moment, just a little longer.
At least, I do.
I find it absolutely remarkable. It’s astounding that such a cause for joy (hello, Allah gave me a 97.45 TER, which is totally unexpected, thank you!) could bring me to the unravelling of my world as I knew it. Now that all the chaos has quieted down, what with my parents coming back from Makkah and my MARA forms mad rush, there’s more time spent in my head. Which may be both a good and bad thing.
First of all, there’s life without my parents. I have never really been without them, long term. I always came home for the weekends. And now, I’m going off for a whole year. I mean, how bizarre an experience can I expect? I am also going to be without Syamir. His annoying presence has always reassured me of my being home. I will definitely miss him. Now people are making this awful fuss about me. So I am going to Melbourne – it’s just Australia. Nearer to home than people would admit. Syamir’s going farther, I can feel it. I just hope he can too.
Next, there’s the packing. Which is insane. I don’t know what to do first – what needs to be done – what I will wear there. I try to picture life there, but it fails me. I just picture a room which is not mine. I’ll be living a life so different from my own. But at least I have Allah to help me cope. He will always help those who ask for help.
Which brings me to another issue: My newfound faith. I hate how it sounds so Christianish, but I guess few Muslims have said it in English. I feel brand-new. I feel reborn. I know what this is – hidayah. It’s the real deal – I feel it in the fibres of my being. I have a purpose in life now. I see the logic in every single aspect of Islam, even those which I did not see the point in before. My life fits, and the picture clicks.
I feel much closer to Allah. At times I feel I am too carried away by hal duniawi that I lose a bit of my connection to Allah. Alhamdulillah, I seem to know when. So I suppose that’s good. (*note: This is what I refer to as ‘tahap iman turun naik’. Now, return to reading.)
I’m just concerned that I’ve been changing because I want to live up to others’ standard of piety. For example, brother Ikhwan (*note: a good senior, abang angkat, and ‘atok’ kodi nombor satu) has been preaching about brothers and sisters and uhkhuwah. My parents are somewhat concerned that I might get carried away and join the tabligh. Maryam and Didie are the least fazed, following the Quran more closely than the rest of us, who seem to dodge around the rules most of the time. Na’uzubillah.
People freely use the words “conservative Islam” and “extreme spectrum” and “moderate Islam”, and I’m uncomfortable with all that. Islam is Islam. Ad-Din. The one and only path. Siratul-mustaqim (in one of its many contexts). There shouldn’t be subcategories or classifications. There may be differences in how we interpret the Quran and Sunnahs (insyaAllah not for our own worldly convenience), but it’s either we really follow the Quran as seen fit, or we follow loosely (again, na’uzubillah). “We learn with iman; we apply it with taqwa.” (Ustaz Hasrizal 2005)
So, as I write this, I’ve begun to see clearer my own self; my own identity. I may never abandon all my worldliness – I don’t think I have it in me. We’ll see. InsyaAllah I will never be carried away by the world I live in now. But I will try my best to follow the Quran – Allah’s words of love towards mankind – as it was meant to be followed – by my aql first, and my nafs last.
And that is the right way.
*Author’s note: So, as you may see, when I am by myself, and writing for myself, grammar and logical thought is not a great priority. I try my best, but my brain goes faster than my hand ever could. Haha. But basically I wrote this when I worried that my changes, from my soul right out to my physical appearance, were influenced by how people wanted to see me. Plus, I was worried about coming to a foreign country.
Now, I see that being a foreigner isn’t so bad. In fact, it teaches you more about the world than you could learn from being in a comfortable spot, and knowing where you stand in this world, all your life.
And for another, I’m still trying to watch my pace. I want change to be from me, and not from something I am told or taught or assumed to do. I want change to happen because I want it to, and because I am ready for it, insyaAllah. I want to istiqamah. I want my change to be constant, and not something I will only remember to do every now and then. Which brings me to the subject of choices and living them.
But that’s another blog.
this has been a rant by Syazwina Saw at 12:55 am
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