Friday, March 17, 2006


Assalamualaikum w.b.t.

It's the first hour of Friday morning.

Do forgive me if you read this regularly (I seriously doubt it, though) and find that I am a tad too melancholic this rant around. It's just that I have gone through an emotional past few days. I can easily blame my hormones, or my environment, or the people around me, but upon further observation, I have found that the problem usually lies within me.

We just got back a few hours ago from another majlis tahlil and the following tazkirah. I enjoy these sessions -- in a land where you feel a dearth of faith, you tend to grab hold onto any strand of home and closeness to Allah that you can get your hands onto.

Plus hey, the food is good. The rezeki is good for those who seek knowledge, I suppose.

For the past week, my days have been decorated with a myriad of emotions, some too hard for me to decipher. I can only guess that it's a mix of terrible, awful homesickness, plus the anticipation of my --ahem-- monthly visitor (ah, the vagaries of the menstrual cycle!) and rush in trying to get everything done and into routine, so that I can get a hold of my life.

But now, come to think of it, it probably has a lot to do with my iman.

See, one's iman faces highs and lows. Sometimes, your faith is so strong, you feel like you can rock nations and face mountains with it. Other times, it feels like it's slipping away. Like a kite you're letting go, letting loose and free.

The latter feeling's awful, simply awful.

I feel that ever since I got here, in the busy bustle of trying to learn how the country works, I've sort of lost the plot. I forgot the reason, the intention -- the nawaitu -- of why I came here in the first place. In the midst of 'living the Australian dream', and struggling with the hectic timetables and the ever-changing prayer times and cooking (you were always right about my needing to learn to cook, Ma), the remembrance of why I decided to come to Melbourne sort of lost its way in the convoluted mess that is my brain.

My nawaitu, which is, quite honestly, fisabilillah, sort of slipped away.

Kak Ulfa's question to us newbies during the tazkirah really hit me hard. It was a plain and simple reminder of my purpose in life, and why I strive to survive here. I wanted to do this for Allah. Because of Allah, azza wajalla. For the Lord who has given me so many blessings, and presented this wonderful opportunity to experience life as an outsider, when it seemed like I least deserved it.

That was the only thought that made me brave enough to venture to this alien land, and this alien weather, and the alien people (though that seems grammatically wrong). The thought that we're all travellers in this lifetime anyway, and what difference does it make where on this earth I am, if I have Allah close to my heart?

But I feel as if I haven't tried enough to keep Allah close to me. Nauzubillahi min zalik.

Alhamdulillah though, recent incidents have reminded me that Allah still loves me, and gives me what I ask for, and definitely beyond that, Allah keeps on giving me what I need. A reminder here, a granted doa there. Lots of love and ukhuwah everywhere.

It all adds up to one lucky lifetime.

Alhamdulillahi Rabbil 'Alamin.

Wassalam.

P.S:- An anecdote from one of the Kak Dayah's, "The local sisters, they used to come up to me and say, 'Assalamualaikum sister. How's your iman today?', and it shocked me, because just how often do we say that in Malaysia anyway?"

Or something like that. My memory sucks, and I am bad at paraphrasing. Sorry Kak Dayah.

this has been a rant by Syazwina Saw at 12:24 am

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