Tuesday, November 30, 2004


This is for another friend of mine, whose story isn't new, but is something that kills me everytime I think about it.

I couldn't resist.

*dedicated to my eternal squeal-pal. I know how much it hurts, to read your story in print, so I apologize in advance. Then maybe you can do me a favour and write my story. Deal?*

*written as I listened to Jim Brickman's wonderful, wonderful instrumental piece, Secret Love, which I can only cheaply imitate. Listening to that as you read this will give you an emotion hangover*

The Moon -- Capturing Absent Thoughts

The moon was out tonight.
Full and round, reminding her of wonderful things. Oh, she had plenty of those thoughts. She just wished she could share them all with him. She could almost see how he would react to her gushes over the full moon. He would, most likely, stick out his tongue, before giving her an apologetic smile and surrender to her romantic dreams. Not that that would change the fact that he would ever know of how she felt. Because she knew that he didn’t, and would never feel the same.
At the thought of him, the pit of her stomach hurt badly. It was a yearning sort of ache, for something that she knew she could never have. It was exhaustingly painful. She wished she could just forget about him altogether. She wished she could leave his memory behind – the entire memory of him – and not be reminded of him with every passing thought.
She looked up into the sky again, this time scanning the dark for stars. But even despite it having rained earlier tonight, and the skyline being as clear as it could be, there were none. It was as if they wanted to save her the trouble of wishing helplessly on them. Because what could they really do to help her? She sank her head deeper into the dewy grass and sighed deeply, taking in the richly damp air in turns.
He was her best friend. She knew that it was hopelessly cliché to fall for your best friend, but hearts don’t care much about clichés. If they did, she wouldn’t be in this mess.
Maybe his being her truest friend was the undoing of her. They were naturally so close, and he treated her so nicely, like the Prince Charming she used to dream of so long ago, that part of he couldn’t help but hope…
Although she wished she could fall for someone who was more of a mystery. Maybe if they weren’t as close, she could let herself be immersed in this foreign feeling. And yet he always turned to her for a shoulder to lean on, and so she had to know everything about him. Maybe that was what made her fall so hard. Maybe that was the part that hurt most.
He frequently poured out his heart to her, so much so that it was basically an open book in her lap. And he would talk to her about his troubles and troubled thoughts with the utmost ease. She constantly worried about him, sometimes. There seemed to be so much lying behind his calming eyes and his cheerful, ever-sweet smile that made her fret.
But he unknowingly hurt her every time he shared his life with her. How, then, could she ever dream of an eternity of this? Surrendering in uncertainty, she searched the sky for the moon. In her little reverie, she’d lost it. After a moment, she noticed an unusually bright patch of cloud, and realized that the moon was hiding. She knew the feeling.
She knew where his heart lay. And it was not with her. It lay far, far away, far from her reach. It belonged to another typically popular girl, who was nice, sweet and intelligent enough, but she didn’t care two whits about him. And so he was lovelorn.
Her heart nearly broke every time he confided about his love to her. She knew that every word shattered a bit of her, and she wondered if it would ever mend. She used to think that his smiles—the ones that seemed to exist just for her – did the job, but they didn’t anymore. And so she was left with cracks, deep and multiplying by the day, and there was nothing she could do about it. She didn’t have the heart to turn him away.
Once in a while, she would look at the moon, in its many phases; its many faces, and just dream. She would let go of reality and just imagine how wonderful life would be if he just knew.
But he must never know. She’d rather lose her dreams than lose him completely. They had something special, and she didn’t want to ruin it. And she knew that whatever she said would throw them into a situation most strange, so that even their friendship would not survive. She didn’t think she could live like that. She knew that being just as they were was best. It would have to be the best.
For now, though, as she lay beneath the open sky, her arms spread out wide and her mind at ease – she felt like anything was possible. Like she could dream freely, and not be struck down by inhibitions and worries.
If only for tonight.


*


The darned essay.
It had taken up most of his night, and was likely to take up the rest of it. He knew long ago, and instinctively, that he had a reason to hate biology. The reason lay placidly on his desk, not half a foot away from his head.
The darned essay.
Deciding he needed a break, he crossed his room and sat by the wide windowsill, leaning against the wooden frame and gazing out the window. It made him feel like a character in one of her poems. She was a hopeless romantic. She liked to write of beautiful things, and they never failed to give him pleasant images. Okay, so maybe sometimes the images worried him a bit. But they reminded him, always, of her.
He wondered what she was doing right at that moment. She was probably laughing delightedly at some romantic movie on cable TV. He smiled sheepishly to himself. She always managed to force him to watch the latest chick flick every time they went to the movies. That was less than two years ago, when they first became close friends. Now, he bought tickets for the latest romantic comedy for them both without any questions.
He rubbed his hand over the tired creases of his forehead. Lately, he was getting confused about her. He reckoned he missed her. They had gone to different colleges after high school, and it was hard for them to keep in touch. They were both so busy with their new lives, it was hard for them to have the time.
Actually, he really missed her. He had had no trouble making new friends where he studied, but none of them could shine a light next to her. There was something about her that was so rare. Maybe it was the way she patiently looked at him whenever he struggled to make a point in an argument, the kind they always seemed to have. Or maybe it was how she had nothing bad to say about anybody; not a word that wasn’t nice and earnest. She was so honest, and had such faith in people. Especially in him.
Around her, he felt like he could do anything, and not fail doing it. He felt grand and humble at the same time. Most of all, he felt like he could fly. Like he could soar right up to those clouds up there and reveal the huge, luminous moon hiding behind it. Nobody could make him feel like that. Nobody else.
He found it funny. He hugged his knees closer to him and rocked a little. He used to think that his heart belonged to someone else – someone completely different, not a few months ago. And if that was true, then – pray tell – what was this? So he knew that she was special. So what did that make of it all?
The way she acted around him wasn’t exclusive. She treated everyone the same. That was what was so remarkable about her. She treated everyone the same. And that meant, he realized with a sigh, that her feelings towards him hadn’t changed.
But had his?
He searched the sky, letting his eyes roam freely over the tiled roofs and empty streetlights, and into the deep dark of the heavens. He hated himself for being such a coward. He was never really sure of himself, no matter what people thought or said about him. The only time he felt real was around her, and – he had to figure out what that meant.
He knew that if she would give him a sign, he would know what to do. He didn’t trust himself. He trusted her. And she was indifferent to him. She cared for him, he knew, just like he did for her. He just wondered if she would ever care the same way he did.
He rubbed his temples aggressively. Was he even allowed to think this way of her? She might not approve. It was just wrong, he felt, to feel that way about someone who earnestly cared about him. He felt like he was using her, and he didn’t want to. He felt guilty enough, burdening his every quandary on her, when she never as much as complained about her lousiest day to him.
Well. The clouds moved rapidly all of a sudden, fuelled by a strong gust of wind that caught him by surprise. He felt the cool breeze in his face, and smelled the coming rain. Once the clouds drifter past, he could see the moon again. It was full and perfect, shining bright and gentle in the starless sky. He reached over to his cell phone and keyed in a familiar number, as he tried to figure out what to say.
She should really see the moon tonight…

this has been a rant by Syazwina Saw at 2:08 pm

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